


The One Where Rythian Becomes A Dating Website

by orphan_account



Series: Teenscast [1]
Category: The Yogscast
Genre: And a tiny bit of blackmail, Author hates tags and is terrible at them, Author likes referencing shows for small children, But I do try, But expect more anyway, But their ages are unconfirmed, Character Study, Crack, Developing Relationships, Hannah uses her manipulative ways, I would say Teenscast, If you squint I suppose, In a world where everyone seeks lurve, Lewis procrastinates, Multi, Rythian Is Magic, Texting, The Crackiest Crack That Ever Did Crack On This Fandom, The power of the Internet, The start of a beautiful story arc, Well maybe not, Zoe starts a cult, Zoey sings (sort of)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-18
Updated: 2014-08-21
Packaged: 2018-02-13 18:41:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2161008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alternate title: Zoe Channels The Power Of Austin Mahone</p>
<p>Come on. He did not survive uni with Zoey's crazy little cult, Turps' mum and The Great Spork Sjincident just to be reduced to this. Then again, when Hannah says that you save her depressing love life or she'll blackmail you to high heaven, one tends to believe her. </p>
<p>Rythian channels his inner eHarmony via the medium of texting, and couple by couple attempts to solve all his friends' romantic problems. The results are, surprisingly, better than expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I plan to make this longer, but I'm not entirely sure how long. If you want to see any particular pairings, feel free to speak up and I'll see if I can work them in!

~~~  
MrOwlSaysHi texted you: omfg. Oh. My. Fudging. God.

Rythian_: What?

MrOwlSaysHi: I just had a terrifying and vaguely traumatising epiphany. Oh my god.

Rythian_: Oh do tell, I love terrifying and vaguely traumatising things.

MrOwlSaysHi: xcoughxicanseewhyyoulikeDuncanthenxcoughx

Rythian_: Shut up. I hate that guy.

MrOwlSaysHi: so anyway back to my horrifying epiphany, I just realised that...

MrOwlSaysHi: I HAVENT DATED ANYONE SINCE UNI. 

Rythian_: So?

MrOwlSaysHi: RYTHIAN THIS IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM. MY MOST TRUSTED COMPADRE, I NEED YOUR HELP TO REMEDY IT RIGHT NOW OR IM GOING TO DIE A LONELY OLD CAT LADY WITH ONLY BENEDICT CUMBERPATCH MOVIES AND EASTENDERS FOR COMPANY RYTHIAN. 

MrOwlSaysHi: RYTHIAN. RYTHIAN.

MrOwlSaysHi: RYTHIAN YOU'VE DATED LIKE TWO HUNDRED PEOPLE I NEED YOUR HELP.

Rythian_: Hey. Ouch. That's a myth, okay? I haven't DATED that many people!

MrOwlSaysHi: oh yeah, I remember when you got that one job in uni that only Strife and Xephos knew about

Rythian_: No Hannah.

MrOwlSaysHi: and then Strife got drunk and told Parv

Rythian_: Hannah, please. My dignity Hannah.

MrOwlSaysHi: and then Parv told his band

MrOwlSaysHi: and then Sparkles started putting the moves on you

MrOwlSaysHi: and then Simon was all like how did you know Ryth played for that team when you went out with Sparkles

MrOwlSaysHi: and then Sparkles told Simon and Simon promptly told everyone else and then Zoe started a cult with you as their God

Rythian_: Hannah.

MrOwlSaysHi: and like three quarters of the campus were worshipping you as their symbol of fertility and virility and strip clubs after like a month

MrOwlSaysHi: that was great. Good times. Rythianity. Loved it.

Rythian_: Can we just get back to your terrifying epiphany now?

MrOwlSaysHi: jeez. Fine. Anyways, I need you to help me find a date or something before it's too late.

Rythian_: I don't know, I actually feel quite violated right now. 

MrOwlSaysHi: rythian. You are going to help me or I may just miss-click and the contents of blackmail.jpg will find themselves all over my Facebook page. Tread carefully here.

Rythian_: Fck u.

\---  
Proasheck texted you: when I saw her  
\---

Rythian_: I can't believe you even managed to get that crap.

MrOwlSaysHi: oh, I have my sources.

_Shadow: Fine. I'll help you. Give me a while and I'll get back to you. Zoey's bugging me.

MrOwlSaysHi: alright then ;) and no going back on your promise now.  
~~~

\---  
Rythian_: Are we talking about Fiona again? Do we have to? I know you love her but jeez.

Proasheck: walking down the street

Rythian_: Oh.

Proasheck: she looked so fine

Rythian_: Don't you dare Zoey.

Proasheck: I just had to speak

Rythian_: Zoey this song annoys the fck out of me.

Proasheck: I asked her name

Proasheck: but she turned away

Proasheck: as she walked

Rythian_: I hate you.

Proasheck: all that I could say was

Proasheck: MMM MMM YEAH YEAH MMM MMM YEAH YEAH MMM MMM YEAH YEAH

Rythian_: Okay, I'm ignoring you now.  
\---

===  
Rythian_: Heyo Xeph. Talk to me man, Zoey's being annoying as heck at the moment.

spaceman: hey Ryth

Rythian_: What's up. Spill. Something happen with Minty?

spaceman: i guess. howd you know?

\---  
Proasheck texted you: all that I could say was  
\---

Rythian_: I know you. You only forsake punctuation when you're drunk or depressed.

spaceman: heh. yeah

Rythian_: So come on then.

spaceman: you got it in one. Minty and I broke up yesterday

\---  
Proasheck texted you: mmm mmm yeah yeah  
\---

Rythian_: What, did she cheat on you or something? Did you?

spaceman: nah. We've been dating a while but neither of us were really into it, so we just dropped it. I don't even know why I'm so hung up over it

Rythian_: Hmm. I think I know what's going on here.

spaceman: am I gay?

\---  
Proasheck texted you: mmm mmm yeah yeah  
\---

Rythian_: Jesus just shut it already!

Rythian_: Sorry, that wasn't meant for you I promise.

\---  
Rythian_: Zoey, I am currently dealing with a VERY DELICATE situation right here, so please stop with the texting singing irritating thing that you're doing.

Proasheck: ooh. What kind of serious?

Rythian_: Xeph just broke up. 

Proasheck: x le gasp x

Rythian_: Exactly.  
\---

spaceman: ..?

spaceman: you still there?

Rythian_: Sorry, problemo dealt with. So back to the matter at hand, no. I don't think you're gay.

spaceman: really?

Rythian_: Trust me, sexuality is my specialty.

Rythian_: Hah. That rhymed.

Rythian_: I feel rather accomplished.

spaceman: lol

Rythian_: See? Humour. You're not past the point of no return yet. Anyway, I just think you're a picky lover. And since you haven't found anyone you've meshed with yet, you've become sexually frustrated as you don't like sleeping with people you don't feel a connection with.

spaceman: woah

Rythian_: Luckily, your best friend and right hand man is here to assist you in your endeavour to find love. So tell me, what do you look for in a partner?

spaceman: wow. Since when did you become an expert on relationships?

Rythian_: Since your previous text. 

spaceman: alright then. I like people who are intelligent, and strong, I guess. Chicks who know who they are and what they want

Rythian_: So you want someone who can keep pace with your smart little brain (Yes, I know all about that PHD in chemistry) and who can balance out some hidden instability within you. (But apparently I don't know everything). The image you project is one of a determined, strong person and because of that many people lean on you and seek you for support and assistance. You need someone who can look after you while you're looking after others. You need a pillar.

spaceman: once again, woah. You are one deep mothertrucker Ryth

Rythian_: Heh. I'm not even done yet.

Rythian_: You also want someone who can match your vehemence. Someone strong enough to oppose you and call you out on your bullshit, yet is willing to discuss rather than fight about things.

spaceman: i'm quite a needy bugger, aren't i?

Rythian_: And I have to find this person for you. :)

spaceman: hah sorry. 

~~~  
MrOwlSaysHi texted you: hey did you know that Strife is back from America yet?  
~~~

Rythian_: Oh damn. Oh yes.

spaceman: what

Rythian_: You need a Hannah.

spaceman: who?

Rythian_: When are you free?  
===


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plans are made, plots are concocted, and Nomnom finally has a blueprint of sorts! Prepare for an actual story! Yay!

Proasheck texted you: so I heard the date went well

Rythian: What date? I'm not dating...?

Proasheck: no, hannah and xeph's date silly!

Rythian: Oh, yeah. I was there. I feel rather proud of myself for that, actually. Those two really were made for each other.

Proasheck: were you stalking them?

Rythian: Nope. I was making sure everything went well. Stalking is what your cultist people do. To me. Please stop them. I require my sanity to function like a normal person.

Proasheck: you know, experts say you should let your kids do whatever they want!

Rythian: I'm sure. I'm not sure, however, if those experts were actual experts or just cult members you asked to pretend to be experts.

Proasheck: same diff

Proasheck: so anyways

Proasheck: now that your the magical dating pro

Proasheck: you know that you can't stop here

Rythian: Why? What are you getting at here...?

Proasheck: lemme list all the relationships amongst everyone we know

Proasheck:

Proasheck:

Proasheck:

Proasheck:

Proasheck: hannah and xephos (as of yesterday)

Proasheck:

Proasheck:

Proasheck:

Proasheck:

Rythian: Okay, Jesus, I get it. 

Rythian: So they're all startlingly bad at finding love. So what?

Proasheck: you can fix this!

Rythian: No.

Rythian: First of all, do you know how many people you're telling me to find happily ever afters for? 

Rythian: Its like nineteen people. Nineteen. 

Proasheck: i can help!

Proasheck: look, the first part is easy!

Proasheck: in a perfect world, mr love expert, who would you hook up with who?

Rythian: Seriously? Fine. Fine.

Rythian: I'll play along. But I can't answer that yet.

Proasheck: why?

Rythian: I don't know enough about them, since they're mainly Xephos's and Will's friends. 

Rythian: Most of them I only met this year, since I spent six months in Sweden.

Proasheck: oh yeah

Proasheck: but don't tell me you can't see a very obvious way to fix this!

Rythian: I'm getting a sense of impending doom.

Proasheck: HOUSE PARTY!!!!1!!11!!!1


End file.
